I'm having a hard time getting my head around the fact that we, who are in the video production business, have waited for five years to actually seriously attempt to create a permanent vlog series. I mean, really? We've been counseling people for years that avoiding video is no longer an option for small businesses who want to succeed. You simply won't be able to compete in a business environment if you're not including video as a significant part of your marketing plan... and yet, we threw together occasional video clips here and there but never took the plunge ourselves. What was holding us back? We did try to do the vlog thing a couple of times, and were not able to generate a product that we believed in, that was entertaining, or that had any really valuable content. So what held us back, why were we not able to make those things work?
I think the real issue arose when I decided only yesterday to write to someone who's work I admired, and point blank ask him to be a guest on our vlog. His name is Stephan van Kuyk, and he is a young, hip, artist, art dealer, vlogger and TV host in Berlin. I started pouring over his content this week, and though to myself: "Here's a guy who's doing precisely what we want to do, and seems not to be hesitating at all." When he wrote back immediately and agreed to chat with us on the vlog, I was instantly apologetic because we're just starting out, and don't have many followers as of yet. That didn't seem to phase Stephan. I suppose because he's been there before. But he seemed to accept instantly that, although we've attempted this sort of thing before, this time it was going to be different. Andy even though we don't have many followers yet, we were going to get them.... I could hear the words echoing somewhere just above my head when I asked my self; "How do I know that's true? What makes me think that this time will be any different than before?" And the only reasoned answer I could come up with was; "Because this time it IS different."
I suspect that Stephen approaches his life and career with a confidence and a security that I'll never possess, but I do have a headstart of many years of living, and I've got something he may not possess. I have no other choice. I'm 60 now, and started over in my 20s leaving the Catholic seminary, then leaving teaching in my 30s to be a librarian, then leaving the USA in my 40s to work internationally, then returning to Texas in my late 50s to help out with Mom and Dad. I simply don't have enough years to follow this pattern much further. The constant throughout all of this change has been the creative drive. My art career is largely a return to what I had wanted to do in my 20s, but was convinced that would not be an acceptable way to live a life. What's different now is that I want it more than I've ever wanted anything. I don't know if that's tied to a fear of mortality, but I feel I have to make this lifestyle work because I have something to say artistically. I'm willing to put myself out there and face the haters, to show my vulnerability, perhaps even my naiveté. I've not returned to art for anyone other than myself.
So what stops us from following our dreams, our bliss, our destiny? Sure this pandemic could cost me my savings, I might lose the house, wreck my credit score... (I think I'm having a panic attack) but I've got to make this work. So what stops me? Nothing but my own fears, my own insecurities, my own ignorance. And the funny thing, is they've never stopped me before. You think there was no self-doubt in studying for the priesthood? You think there was no fear moving for a new job in Russia? I've gone out on many limbs during my lifetime. I'm not silly enough to think I can't fail, but I am more than silly enough not to let anything stop me from trying.
So look out world, you're either going to see me on a billboard downtown, or sleeping on the street beneath it. But either way, Baby, you're going to see me.
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